I never know if I am doing the right thing. I’m never sure if what I am doing now is my true calling. I’ve read in books that there is no right or wrong, because whatever you do, eventually turns out to be positive. So you just do it. Just like Nike slogan says. Ok, so if right or wrong doesn’t exist, can I rely on my emotions when I do something? Like… I have that feeling of joy when I’m in it, when I’m moving the brush, gently, in circles, making wavy lines, layering colors until I can see a face, a smile, a flower. Is inner joy equal the true calling? I want to think yes.
Yes, I get tired from standing and holding the brush, from working at night, even sometimes from working on the same painting. But I go to bed still meditating on what I’ve created, on what I will create, on what creates me. With every brush stroke, I put more into the world. There is more color in the world now, more circles and waves, and spirals, and droplets… I feel like I’m giving life to something. And with every brush stroke, I feel like I am becoming more. I feel bigger, and deeper, and more experienced, and more balanced, like I’m layering colors over myself, like I’m creating myself.
Not always am I happy with my paintings. But through each one of them, I discover what is beautiful and what is less harmonious. I learn, and the next painting becomes better. Sometimes I lack inspiration. I sit in front of a blank sheet and know nothing. I don’t feel anything, don’t see anything, at times, don’t even want to paint. But like with every task in this life: all you need is start. It doesn’t have to be anything. No pressure to make it the painting of the year. Just lines. Connect them. Enjoy the flowing movement of the brush on the paper. Just that. Every line adds to me. And I become more, and I can give more to the world. So despite all doubts and self-judgement I do believe that I am doing the right thing.